Lexx's Blog of Randomness

My Feelings -Broken Hearted- (Part XIX)

chaoslexx — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 13:18:02 +0000

Maybe it’ll be easy to write up.

Basically she fell in love with this guy and he broke her heart.

Twice.

Now she’s going out with some people.

Though I think it’s just Ryan.

Now this new guy, what a twat.

He gave her flowers as soon as she got in the car.

Makes me look and feel bad.

I was supposed to be the one for her.

But I guess thats now gone.

She gets to go out on all these dates and see all these guys.

If I went to see a girl, she’d flip her lid and would never speak to me in a long time.

I don’t want that tbh.

I want her.

By the looks of it, i’ll never have her again.

She said she was single and not looking.

That’s now down the drain.

This is how I feel.

This is how I’ve been feeling for awhile now.

I had plans to get back with her and propose to her properly

Like she always wanted.

On October 11th 2008.

Then we could properly start our future.

Three kids.

A house.

Wedding, the lot.

It’s fading away now.

These have been my plans for a long time now.

Ever since that “fiasco”, everything went tits up.

Then every other lad…

..I haven’t had the chance.

Maybe she doesn’t need to know how I feel.

She already knows.

If she loves me as much as she says so, then why does she have to be with these other lads?

I’m always alone.

I get a little heartbroken when she goes out.

But I’ll live.

Maybe I should just be another heartless freak.

I need her more than anything in this whole wide world.

There’s so much more to tell.

To share.

But it hurts.

Like a deep wound.

That will be just another scar.

Always reminding me of everything.

My Feelings -Just Because I Said “Blargh”..- (Part XVIII)

chaoslexx — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 22:27:15 +0000

Hmm.

Don’t know what to do, to be honest.

I don’t want her to get hurt.

“I’m a big girl now”

I know that.

She’s off to see Joe on Wednesday.

Turpsman on Thursday.

And now Dan and Matty sometime in the weekend.

She’s busily booked.

I have.. no plans what-so-ever.

No friends to really hang out with.

I really want this job more than anything.

“Don’t get your hopes up..”

..or I’ll be let down harder.

Yes, I know.

But I’m pretty much the right guy to work at Zavvi.

Since I had a temp job at a Zavvi in Junction 32.

So what if it’s in Leeds.

I get lots of monies and can really start the plan.

Plan Awesome-o Futuristico.

Shoddy title, I know.

But eh.

It’ll be worth it.

———–

On a plus side.

I FOUND THE CENTER BUTTON!

WOOPWOOPWOOP!

*goes to center the others*

My Feelings -Believe- (Part XVII)

chaoslexx — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 23:56:39 +0000

I love you so much.
I love you more than anything in this whole universe.
I will always love you.
No matter what.
No-one can and won’t ever come in between our love.
You mean the world to me.
I just want you to believe me.
Everything I say is the truth.
There are no others.
There never will be.
You are the only one.
The one I will truly love love til death do us part.
And even then.
My soul will continue to love you.
You’re my Lobster.
My partner.
My companion.
My forever soul-mate.
And my Angel Slice. =]
Nothing can ever separate us.
And I will never leave you.
We still have a future together.
I would love to be married to you.
I would love to have children with you.
I would love to grow old with you.
Even grandchildren.
But we’d be 80 by then.

I love making you smile.
I comfort you when you cry.
You’re my mufflepanda.
I want the day, we have pets to look after.
Making LOLcats because we can.
Always making you giggle and “aww” everytime we went on LOLcats.
It makes me smile and it feels warm inside.
That I know that you keep my heart beating.
And that I will always be there for you when you need it.
And that I will always be a shoulder to cry on.
And that I will always love you.
I promise that to you.
And this promise.
I will never ever break.

My Feelings -Mewtwo Used Confusion- (Part XVI)

chaoslexx — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:59:20 +0000

(ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE! =/)
I am truly confused.
She had a big argument with him.
He said “Goodbye” at least three times.
Yet he kept texting her and MySpace commenting her.
He wouldn’t leave her alone, basically.
But now.
She’s confused.
She still wants to see him on tomorrow.
It upsets me.
And it hurts.
I don’t really want her to see him.
I don’t want her being hurt.
Every time I said she was gonna get hurt.
It happened.
I’ve always been right for some reason.
And it does hurt.
I just can’t stand it.
If she got hurt again.
She’ll never be the same.
I’m trying to prevent it.
But she won’t listen.
She is as stubborn as me, I suppose.
I just want her to listen to me.
So she can be fine.
And that everything gets back to normal.

My Feelings -Paranoia & Confidence- (Part XV)

chaoslexx — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:59:06 +0000

I was confused.
My chest pains became more frequent.
I had to do something.
And that was to clear my head.
I was given the clearance to do so.
So I sent Tony a message.
I sent more like an essay.
Now we think he hates her.
And that he’s confused.
I just wanted to get it into his think skull.
Now he’s the one sulking.
I knew I shouldn’t have done and just kept my feelings bottled up.
Sure, it would have hurt me.
It would have kept her a bit more happier.
I wanted her to be happy.
I wanted to make her happy.
But all I did was just crash the party.
I just needed it off my chest.
If I fell ill again.
It would be my own fault.
I don’t want to be stress-related ill again.
I longed for anti-depressants, but the doctor gave me crap pills that didn’t work.
And some sleeping pills.
That also didn’t work.
I just want her to know how much she means to me.
And that I want to always be with her.
Even if it does kill me.
And I just want to be there for her.
No matter what.
“Til Death Do Us Part”
They are the words I want to be able to hear.
…

(The center button has done a runner. So it’ll have to do til its fixed)

EDIT: Nevermind. Found it!

My Feelings -Wings- (Part XIV)

chaoslexx — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 08:33:06 +0000

Last night meant so much to me.

I got to make her relax and have a nice bath.

This was at like 12-1am haha.

It was fun though.

That was probably the last thing we’d do for awhile.

She’s her own woman.

To be honest,

I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t want me back.

She wants to have fun.

And I will always wait for her.

No matter how long it takes.

I will wait. And wait. And wait.

I will always hold my heart until the day we be together again.

Then everything will be great.

But until then.

She gets to be with other guys.

Doing god knows what.

But it shouldn’t faze me.

Even if it does hurt inside.

I don’t want to go off and have fun.

I just aint that type.

She knows that. Everyone knows that.

I always stick to commitment.

I love. Never leave.

I don’t do one night-stands.

It isn’t in my blood to that.

Oh well.

Everything will be fine.

My Feelings -Pains- (Part XIII)

chaoslexx — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:58:40 +0000

My chest has been killing me all day.

It’s a pain.

Literally.

Don’t know what to do.

I can’t do anything about it.

If I did, it would hurt her.

I don’t want to hurt her.

I love her.

I need her.

We want to have a future together.

Have a family.

Even now, my chest is hurting.

All I could do earlier was cry.

Try and cry the pain away.

I don’t want to lose her.

Tony is either doing this for fun.. or for god knows what.

And I’m scared.

…

:’(

My Feelings -Jealousy Overload- (Part XII)

chaoslexx — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:58:50 +0000

Damn it!

Why can’t I be the one to make her happy?

I try so hard and all it takes was one phonecall from Captain Pedo and she becomes the happiest person in the world.

I feel so sodding useless.

If I had “unlimited” credit, I would be the one on the phone to her and to make her happy.

She even sat out on the roof, just outside her window to talk to him.

She’s never done that with me.

I just depress myself even more.

I am scared.

Scared of losing her.

If I lost her, I’d not be able to live.

I’ve almost lost her on a few occasions.

Never want to do that again.

But I am scared that Pedo-Tony will butt in like Twatface did.

…

=’(

My Feelings -Trust- (Part XI)

chaoslexx — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:09:07 +0000

I know she tells me, over and over again.

But I’m scared of losing her.

I love her so much and she loves me.

It’s just…

…every time she texts Tony…

…I feel like she’s gonna drift away.

She doesn’t get how I feel when she texts him everyday.

Especially when I’m there.

If I was texting a girl, every few minutes, she’d complain and get over jealous.

I can’t explain my feelings like that.

When she asks “what’s up” after or during texting, I’d reply “Meh” or “ooh..”

I need her so much.

I do sort of understand that we’re closer when we’re single.

But I love being in a relationship.

I hate being single.

I love parts when I can call her my girlfriend or my fiance…

…and maybe in future, my wife.

Maybe she just wants us to be “company”.

But I want to move closer to her.

My Feelings -Jeopardy- (Part X)

chaoslexx — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:58:23 +0000

(Wow. Part X… My feelings are really screwed up xD)

I have probably jeopardized her life.

She could be having my child.

If she is, she might be kicked out of her house.

Then she’d be left with nothing.

And it’s all my fault.

She’s scared, well, very scared.

And I don’t blame her if she hates me.

Maybe we both weren’t ready for this.

I was.

But she’s re-assured me that her life will be down the toilet.

All I can do is be upset and cry.

I’ll see her today if she wants me over.

Comfort her as much as I can.

She has always wanted to be a mummy.

And I’ve always wanted to be a dad.

But with nothing to fall back on.

…